Low-lower-lowest

On 1.11.2018 my grandpa passed away. 

The cytostatics were taking their toll on his body, which made him sickly and overall weak, ultimately causing a heart failure. But it was a better way for him to go, to pass away quickly and without pain, without having to slowly wither away while the cancer was eating him alive. He was still quick-minded, strong-willed and relatively pain-free; this was merciful.

I'm sad.

I thought I had already cried so much during the weeks before he died that surely I had dried up at this point - I was wrong. I've cried so much it has become like breathing, albeit more private, more secret. Crying in front of others isn't something I do willingly.

I miss him so fucking much.

It's the thought of loss, so eternal, so permanent, so ever-lasting, that saddens me to bits. The fact that I'll never see him again, never hear his laughter again, never hear him walk on the hallway with his morning slippers ever again... I miss that, I really miss him.

I find it funny to read my last post. It was so happy and positive, how ridiculous in comparison. Although I do know it's natural for me to experience both ups and downs, highs and lows, so I know after working through this loss and initial mourning for a while, I'll start feeling much better - and I have already, I've had lots of good days and good moments, moreso than these miserable moments during which I feel like breaking down and sobbing, or lying in my bed and sleeping for eternity. But today has been bad, extra bad.

It's not just that grandpa is gone, it's everything that seems to be too much right now. For instance, school-wise there's some stress and pressure that I'm having a hard time dealing with. I have some big decisions, career-wise, that I have to make in the months to come, and it's bugging me a lot. My future depends on some of the choices I make right now, a pretty scary thing when you think about it. Also, like I hinted at in my last post, my outlook on many things has gone through a big shift in the last year or so. It's just only now that I start noticing it, and it's a big thing to reflect upon. As though everything in my life had changed colours. Or something like that.

Another thing is the fact that my life is just so incredibly busy right now - I'm bad at saying no when someone asks for my help, which leads to me overexerting myself. Add that to the fact that I need a lot of alone time to unwind, and we have quite the salad. I'm so stressed at the moment that I've noted I'm unable to sleep; it takes me hours to finally fall asleep, as I lay in my bed, heart beating and nervous. I'm so. fucking. tired.

Ah. 

:)