I'm a fool hoping to be a flower

I feel like I've been looking at this world all wrong. I've been afraid of thinking, afraid of seeing. Afraid of swimming upstream if all the fish were following the flow of the currents, afraid of the fear I'd feel if I hammered down the foundations of my supposed "future". Afraid of the freedom that'd give me. I've been afraid of questioning, simply because I've felt like the tinfoil-hatted folks who spread their mind-boggling conspiracy theories on "intellectual" sites online, talking as though they were the smartest minds of the country, no, the world, as if they knew all the answers to the world's biggest problems and were just kind and generous enough to provide the internet with their simple solutions and impressive know-how, instead of actually going out there and trying to make a difference themselves. I'd really hate to come across as an annoying pseudo-intellectual with little to no sense in what she's spouting... But, well, here we are. So beware and prepare for stupidity, just in case.

But during last year, I started, quietly and carefully, tapping and pecking on those foundations, testing their strength. Almost half-heartedly, as if by accident. Those little taps have turned into violent ramming, the little crumbles of destroyed beliefs have turned into boulders and blocks, leaving behind a raped and wrecked ground on which my worldview once resided. I changed. And with me, so much. What changed alongside my hopes and dreams, my values and wishes, was how the entire world looks like - it's as if a can of paint had been spilled, but has since been wiped off. All is the same, but completely different. Are these the true colours of my world? How am I supposed to know? At least they look real to me. But then again, so did the last version...

I don't know what the "truth" is. I'll never be able to reach an objective conclusion of anything, since the capability of my brain is limited and will never get to those lengths. However, my goal is to, slowly, grow myself as a person and perhaps discover something closer to what I can assume is the truth, or at least something I can be satisfied with and that can qualify as something quite likely to be true... Albeit never true true. All of my opinions will always be biased. That's because observations are always subjective, it's even visible in the word "observation" - to observe you need a person to do the observing. The person who does the act is a subject... subject, as in inherently subjective. So, what I mean by these random ramblings, is that I don't know if I'm right. Maybe all of this stuff I'm putting out makes no sense whatsoever and is cringy bullshit coming from the mind of a confused teenager, the inner conflict of a young girl - maybe. That actually sounds possible, lol. But you have to remember, even if I'm far from being right, this is the stuff that's been bothering my mind a lot, these are the conclusions I've come up with. Despite maybe not being true to you, despite the fact that all my opinions, thoughts and beliefs could very well change in the years to come (as I'm changing too!), these things... feel true to me. They do. And they're also a fairly big thing. If your entire view of the world changes, all at once, that's quite a big change.

You might know how I've been criticizing social media, right? Well, I've been steering clear from that for almost half a year now. At first, I deleted everything. I didn't even have a phone for a couple of weeks (although that was simply due to circumstances, not because I wanted to be without one), but after that I've slowly started to renew my opinions surrounding it. I'm still out of Instagram and Snapchat, simply because I feel they're too time-consuming, too judging, at least with the way they are now. Social media can be a useful tool, but that's the only thing it's supposed to be: a tool. It shouldn't be anything more than one thing in your life, not dictating over the entirety of it. And besides, I've felt that the quality of my life has improved tremendously after I've decided to get rid of my phone addiction. My memory, my concentration skills, my ability to be present and to enjoy real-life have all become much better again. And, most importantly, I feel comfortable as I know I'm not wasting huge chunks of my time anymore. I'm doing stuff, stuff that feels like it contributes positively to my life. Instead of wasting away scrolling mindlessly through pictures that mean nothing to me, instead of being forced to keep up with some meaningless "streaks" every single day, I do stuff that I like. I've been reading and doing crafts a lot more, and been wanting to buy a watch so that I could leave my phone home whenever I felt so... And, furthermore, my self-esteem is much better! I always had a super nasty habit of comparing myself to all the beautiful people online, so now I feel much more relaxed. I'm myself, through and through, with no need to impress anyone.

Well, that's a change that happened in my mindset gradually throughout last summer. But now, I've put those thoughts into actions. Instead of just feeling anxious about the herds of teens scrolling mindlessly, quietly, through their phones, but still continuing to do so myself, without the motivation or courage to disconnect, I've actually done just that - disconnected. I don't feel the need to be available. If you know me, if we have a connection, we can maintain that without the constant presence of trillions of apps and notifications. 

And now I'd like to make changes in my life when it comes to all these other, new things that have started to bother my mind.

There's... a lot. There's been a great deal of talk surrounding climate change for the past couple of months or so, and it stresses me out incredibly much. I know people say climate change isn't a problem of the present and won't probably pose a threat to the current human population, but guess what? That doesn't help me in the slightest. I don't care if I'll survive through life without having to worry about climate change, I don't care if there are issues more apparent in the short-term; that really doesn't improve the situation at all. It simply means that the problem will be passed down to the next generation, or the next generations to come. It means that we're destroying the world now, but won't be harmed by it ourselves (at least too much). Even if we won't run out of clean water and food to eat, the fact doesn't change that we're killing off tons of species, and we're doing it fast. It doesn't get rid of the fact that the climate will change, possibly causing famine and a shortage of water, which could lead to starvation, mass-immigration, wars... It doesn't change the fact that we're ALREADY contributing to the mass-extinction of animal and plant species, which will only worsen over time. It doesn't change the fact that, eventually, our climate will become warmer, which will possibly lead to more natural disasters, drought in some places of the world, flooding in others, and the destruction of some biomes, like the Arctic. So yes, while World War III (which I also worry about, lol) could kill all of humanity if everybody just decided to let the damn nuclear bombs loose and say buh-bye to civilization, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't care about the environment. Even though terrorism, military conflicts, societal tensions, an economical depression and even AI can become big issues faster, climate change bothers me a lot simply because it's such a huge thing that hits close to home.

Nature is a big thing for me. Heck, I'd say it's a crucial, essential part of my life. I'd rather stick close to woods and forests than reside in an urban, metropolitan area. That'd be pretty nightmare-ish, really, at least after a while. Nature, wild animals and the conservation of ecosystems is such a big deal for me, and the fact that climate change poses a threat for the entire well-being of this big, goddamn round, blue object makes me so uncomfortable, anxious, worried, scared, frustrated, and angry. I don't understand how people can say they don't care - or I do, since there really are people who don't care about nature and have really become distanced from it. But no, I don't understand how anyone with 1/3 of a brain wouldn't realize that we're relying on nature, since it provides oxygen and it provides food. Additionally, I can't sympathize with a person who doesn't care for animals, either - how can you not?! I really don't understand. The life I've been leading is closely related to nature and wilderness, since many of my hobbies require clean nature and big areas of wilderness. Say, hiking. How could you hike in a tiny park, or worse, in a city? Jogging in a forest feels completely different than jogging on a harsh, asphalt sidewalk.  

Simply put, the people who deny climate change, or even worse, acknowledge its existence but don't really care much... I don't understand. Jesus christ. It pisses me off to hear people talking about how they really don't give a flying fuck about the environment, since it's just "plants" or whatever. Those plants enable your life, and not only yours, but the lives of millions of others, too. Even if you were capable of surviving and, heck, even enjoyed the warming temperatures, there still are people out there suffering from flooding, drought or heat waves. Actual human beings. Show some compassion, okay? And even if you didn't, then imagine the mass immigration of the people whose countries have become, essentially, unlivable..  No water, no food. Imagine the potential wars over basic resources, imagine the waves of people desperate to survive. How's that sound? What about all the flora and fauna becoming extinct for good, simply because we're destroying their habitats through chopping down forests and melting the Arctic?

Do you really not care..?

Climate change is a big thing - but how can you do anything about it? If I recall correctly, Trump said something along the lines of "climate change is a thing, but since it's already happening we can't do anything so who cares". And yeah, following the recent news about it, it seems that everyone's just focused on the horror scenarios and don't really know how to battle against it. There's so much contradicting information, so many expert interviews and opinions, studies and research that seem to directly contradict one another. You really don't know what to do and who to trust, which might make you frustrated and hopeless. I mean, it is a big thing! It's a huge, colossal thing. And since it's such a big, big issue, it's hard to find an easy fix, a simple solution that'd take care of everything. And because it's a massive concept that's influenced by pretty much everything, it's hard to say just what course of action is the worst thing, or even just bad... I mean, back in the day we thought DDT was a great pesticide. Turns out, it has some nasty side effects. And that can be said about climate change as well; there are so many things that could have negative effects that we simply cannot discover and list them all. It seems like almost all human action is bad for the environment.

We can pretty smoothly transition to the next subject: the media. Or the truth in general. Lately, I've felt really conflicted: how do you know what's true, how do you know who you can trust? I've always felt that the Finnish media is relatively neutral and trustworthy, and I do, even now. Most of the people who I've heard complain about the reliability of the Finnish news or newspapers have been people who you can call "tinfoil-hatted whiners" - people who feel they've been massively wronged and who share a huge hate towards anything government-related, or anything about the higher-ups. The higher-ups don't have to be politicians, either: they could very well be doctors, teachers, anyone with some money and a "position" in society. These are the sorts of people who're often narrow-minded, kind of racist and homophobic, not very highly educated and possibly unemployed, alcoholic and like to believe in all kinds of conspiracy theories. Stereotypical, I know, but that's the impression I've been left with whenever I've read Facebook discussions about the "fake news of my country".

Despite the fact that I feel most news outlets in here are reliable, I've really been starting to get a little more... wary, I guess. It's not that I've become suspicious or started to believe in some sort of political agenda behind all journalists and the "propaganda they're spouting", absolutely not, but I'd say in general I've been starting to worry more about finding "the truth". I'm putting it in quotation marks because of what I wrote earlier-on, about the existence (or lack there-of) of truth. I'd say in general, I've become more confused about who to believe. Not because I'm suspicious of others and think they're in the wrong, lying to others on purpose, but because I think everyone else is just as confused as I am, too! What is the one and only truth? It varies so much between people. I don't know, I've started to... question. Is the lifestyle we're supposed to lead the only option? Is the most common always the best? I don't think the people responsible for articles and mainstream media are evil schemers who are trying to lead your average citizen on... No, but I think many things are so complicated that there aren't any easy solutions - like with climate change. So because there are so many opinions, views, problems, solutions, and different truths, it's hard to decide who to trust. 

For example, when it comes to society - what kind of society is the best? Should we be more socialist, or lean more onto the "right" side and, for instance, easen up on our taxing? There are so many arguments both for and against... I don't know who or what to believe anymore.

I find it very hard to find a political ideology I could agree with - like I said, there are so many different arguments for all kinds of beliefs and opinions all over the spectrum, and many of those arguments seem sensible, rational and pragmatic. There are reliable-looking sources for all kinds of ideologies and beliefs, so how the hell am I supposed to know who exactly to agree with? How can I know which type of society would, in practice, produce the best results, promote safety, well-being? And it doesn't help in the slightest how polarized the discussion surrounding politics seems to be. Well, I'd say it's best to avoid any radical ideas and violent movements, but other than that... Oh my, oh my. If my identity is based on my political standing points, I'm one confused girlie whose identity is a tangled mess. 

How about all the crises, all the wars, conflicts, and so on? Who are the bad guys? If there are no baddies, if everyone's hands are soiled, then what are the motives? Who should we support, and why? Even if the motives are alright, how about the means to accomplish those motives? Just how much can we accept? Ah... My mind is in flames. And when I start questioning the status quo, I can't stop.. How about the concept of nations? Should we even have countries? Should we go back to smaller communities, should there be a forceful revolution to force us back to little groups of people, so that the issues we'd have to deal with would be of much smaller proportion? "Nations" are artificial, after all... 

Or the concept of paid labour, should we just go back to entrepreneurship and homesteading and support ourselves without the existence of money? But money is necessary, we wouldn't be able to survive with just... barter. But money is artificial too... And the economy can't keep growing for all eternity, that's impossible. Money is something I don't understand very well - money is the artificial value we give to an object, which could be anything from a fine diamond to an otherwise worthless piece of paper. Economists talk about currents as though they were living, breathing. Like an uncontrollable animal with a mind of its own. No, I don't understand it. The way we keep focusing on growing and growing, becoming richer and richer - how does that happen? I don't understand... If "money" isn't what makes us wealthy, but just a mere item used in trading in exchange for the goods, then aren't the goods actually what makes us rich? Or the possibility to consume goods? So it's not money that is worth anything, but actually the potential of the money you own, aka what you could potentially get with that money... 

But in that case, wouldn't it be better to skip the money and jump straight to the goods? Focus on stabilizing your income in the goods you need to consume, like food, like water, like clothes, like the roof on top of your head? Farming, crafting, protecting your land, building and improving your home, doing favours and providing services in exchange for what you can't do yourself... Ah. Is this utopian? This is utopia. I don't... understand anything. Money is what makes it easy, generalizable. It's too difficult to do everything yourself, isn't it? And to get rid of money would mean we'd have to build a pretty difficult system, focused on one-on-one interaction and arbitrary definitions on what service or item is worth another service or favour. It'd depend too much on others, others' generosity and the goodness of their hearts. Since I bet we wouldn't be satisfied, we greedy humans who want a big reward even from doing one tiny favour.

In any case, if I'm questioning even the very existence of money itself, and the capitalist society where we go to work, earn money through labour and use that to buy things to consume instead of perhaps making/building/growing those things ourselves, well, you can see I'm caught up on some very basic questions. It bothers me, it bothers me a great deal. This consumption-driven world where matter has lost its worth, all the while we still need to consume more. We find value in things, not in the meaning of things. Not in the creation of said things, but on buying theme, store-bought, pre-made. And we don't need the items itself, we need the act of owning. We need to buy, own, consume. But the things themselves, we'd survive well without them. Hell, we buy something, find comfort in the act of buying and owning something new, but forget about that in a week or so. After some time of basking in the delight of consumption, we need another pair of shoes. I know, because I used to think so too. I went to the near-by shopping mall, I delighted in price tags and waltzed amidst clothing racks, but afterwards the clothing item was left unused, untouched, in the depths of the dump that is my closet.

There's no value or meaning in what we own or do. At first, we're born. We're relatively happy, because that's what kids are. But then we grow into this mad world where pressure and expectations are laid onto us the minute we're able to achieve anything. So we grow up into a stressed, hectic world where all that matters is results. Success. Money. Numbers. And we study, trying our best at being successful in achieving the best numbers, and we study some more, most likely choosing something that isn't really our passion, something that we might not even see much sense in. We go to work, and we stress about work. We move from town-to-town, never building roots, never settling anywhere. We go where numbers lead us. Since numbers are everything, they bring the food onto our tables, the clothes we wear. But do we ever stop to think, does any of this makes sense? Does any of this matter? Maybe we do, and end up becoming depressed or mentally ill. I mean, look at the statistics. Look at the prevalence of mental illness, of burnouts. Or maybe we don't, maybe we drown our sorrows into brand names and luxury items, or booze and fentanyl. Or maybe we don't even think, maybe this is what's expected of us.

Maybe this is the norm that we never question.

Yeah yeah, I know. I'm a dumb kid who likes to daydream and live in cloud castles in which no one has to work or have a care in the world! Did I just read about communism or something?

Actually, no. I wouldn't call myself a communist (frankly, isms aren't something I'm too interested in), and I haven't read any of the works of Marx or his followers. I've just been thinking.. about my values, and so on. I understand it's unrealistic to expect labour to just, poof, disappear. And god, living in a world where no one had to work or contribute to their well-being in any way would sound like a nightmare. No, work is important to find meaning. All I'm saying is, I wish we could be a little more independent. To support ourselves, by ourselves. Even if we earn our money ourselves, it's just... money. That doesn't mean anything. I'd like a world in which we could get our food, get our water. Make our clothes, our items. Diy through life. Yeah, I understand that's impossible the way the world is now. If for nothing else, well, at least you need money to pay taxes. And you're right, I like public services. I like free education, free healthcare, I like the police, I like libraries. I like all of that. Which is why my mind is tangled and messy. I can't decide what I think! You need money to keep all those services going, and frankly, living without the existence of hospitals, doctors, and dentists would be like returning to the 1700s. I like having my teeth in my mouth. And yes, you need money to keep those services available to people. But, I don't know, maybe I'm not criticizing work or money itself, but the meaninglessness of everything, and the shallowness of the world in general.

It's not that I think we shouldn't work, no. Like I said, I think doing something meaningful is important - essential, even - to keep your mind healthy. And the truth is, we need work to stay alive. Someone has to grow the food. Someone has to help deliver babies. Someone has to protect us, too. I'd never want to be a parasite to society and only live through the aid of others... I mean, anything's possible, maybe I'll become sick and have to rely on the support of other people. But I'd never willingly do that. No, I think we need to do something, otherwise we'd all die. Look at animals, their life is a constant battle for survival! Work is all they do. But the thing is, what they're doing is directly affecting them. They're not wasting hours of their lives doing something they see no sense in doing just to earn the right to stay alive - no, they stay alive on the basis of their work. Beavers don't build dams so that ducks would pay for them. 

So that's the issue I (oftentimes) have with paid labour... People don't see any sense in going to work. But they do, and they need to achieve results. They need to carry on and become even more effective, earn more money, keep the economy afloat. But they hate it, absolutely despise spending eight hours of their day doing a job they see no sense in doing. The only time they live is during weekends and holidays, or when they finally retire. And yeah, you could say, "well, someone has to do the dirty work, too" or "well, they could choose a job they see sense in doing", but I don't think it's that simple. Kids have no idea what job would suit them or what their passion is, and it's so stressful to make that decision, too. Besides, even the dirty work could be tolerable, if it a) wasn't too caught-up on being more and more effective at the cost of the workers' health, and b) if the workers saw any meaning in what they do. But finding meaning isn't sexy nowadays. I think it's actually seen as kind of unattractive to think about things too profoundly or philosophize, make decisions while being mindful of your heart, as well. It's head over heart, profit over feelings. Like, what are you, Buddha?

I don't think this is anything I can fix. Heck, I don't think it's something anyone could just fix. No, the issue I have with these things is too deep, it's too ingrained into the current state of people's minds. To find meaning, you need to think a lot. Like, a lot. And thinking, like I said, isn't that sexy, unless it's science and/or money we're talking about. 

But, I can always find meaning in my own life. Maybe do a complete downshift, even in my own head? In my own philosophy of life. I don't care anymore, not about brand names, not about achieving wealth. Not about being rich, not about being successful in the stereotypical definition. Not about being available, not about achieving growth all the time. I have no hurry. I don't care about building up huge networks of friends, about creating a bubble of fame around me. I don't care about grades simply for the sake of grades, I care about learning. I care about motivation. I'll make my career choices based on what I'm interested in and good at. I don't care about sharing every little detail about my life in order to look more admirable. 

I care about achieving the things I want. I care about exercising for the health benefits, for the enjoyment of it, for the sake of my mind. I don't care about whether that's "admirable" or not. Fuck that. I want to wear sexy lace lingerie because I like it. I don't care about posting nudes and getting likes. No one has to even know about me wearing that lingerie, because I don't care. I don't care about achievements, about meaningless, cold casual sex (for the sake of "you have to have trillions of partners to feel desirable and accepted"), I don't care about any of that. I don't care about moving to the city because it's where "everything happens". I care about being independent and learning new skills. I care about knowing how to do everything. I care about being myself, real, genuine. I care about finding value in the things I do. I care about bringing happiness to where I go, I care about trying to help others, trying to improve my community. I want to find happiness in creating a family, in committing, in, possibly, having children. Family, to me, is more important than money or success. I care about having fun discussions, learning more songs to play, finding meaning in everyday interactions. I care about fun. I care about making more and more memories with people I truly adore. True friends. My family won't always be around, a cruel reminder from the passing of my beloved grandpa, so I want to treasure them. I want to treasure this life, this beautiful life, that's often overshadowed by the absence of meaning, or the absence of staying present. It's all hurry and no focus. All "should", "could", "would", but no "have", "is", "am". 

Meaning... A beautiful word. What is your meaning of life? Mine is to create a life I can be satisfied with. How? Well, one thing is clear: I don't need stuff to achieve that. I think the most I need is something abstract, not much concrete - such as feeling like I've benefited the people around me, been of help. Knowing that I've loved and been loved.

Alright, I've already bashed on money, on paid labour, on our society, on social media, on stuff, on even the information we have (or don't have)... So how exactly do I plan to achieve any of that, concretely? 

Well, for now, my plan is this: volunteer. Help others. I'm already volunteering at the cat shelter and sometimes hanging out with a lonely granny, so yeah, that's a start. But volunteering is a great way to contribute to your community and feel like you've done something right.

Focus on your mind, focus on improving yourself. With that I mean focus on the right ways to interact with others, develop your ways to handle your emotions. How often are you angry? How often do you take it out on others? Focus on learning how to handle them in a healthy way, focus on improving your mindset into something more productive, more optimistic, but not in a way that doesn't give any room to negative emotions and suffocates anything remotely pessimistic. It's part of the human nature to feel all kinds of emotions, they're important messages from your body and your mind. I aim to become more patient, calmer, more fair. 

Do the things you do because you see sense in doing them. There are some things that you don't always like but you still have to do nonetheless - not everything can be all fun and games. But if something feels completely useless and worthless to you, well, ask yourself, why am I doing this in the first place? I want to have hobbies, because they're hobbies I like. I have a tendency to never refuse to help anyone, which can be super draining and tiring. Unhealthy, even. That's something I need to work on.

For now, I'm focusing on studying. But not because it's what society expects me to do, no, because it's something I like. Because I have goals and aspirations that require a level of studying - which is fine, because my motivation comes from the inside and not from outside pressure! Even if I fail to get accepted into uni, that won't kill me. Even if I'll end up becoming something completely different, I don't mind. As long as I'm satisfied with my job and feel like there's some sense in doing it, it doesn't matter to me whether I'm a doctor or a professional cat petter. A job isn't my identity; it shouldn't be yours, either. What if your plan A fails? Do you have a plan B? I'm trying to get into uni because I like studying and because I think these are careers I'm interested in, but if in the future I'll end up becoming something completely different, that's just fine. I'm not a job. I'm a person. 

If my life would become like I'd really, really like it to turn out, I'd live in the countryside... With a person whom I'd really, really love. With a person who I'd be devoted to, who I'd commit to. A person who'd be as passionate about me as I'd be about him, since I can be kind of super intense, lmao. This would be a person who'd be capable of handling me, me as a whole, since I can also be kind of a lot. But I'd love with all my heart, because that's the only thing I can do. And we'd both live somewhere close to nature, perhaps even surrounded by it... I'd have vegetables, fruits, berries, perhaps even wheat. I'd do all I could by myself. I'd like to have bees, a couple of cows, some chickens and sheep... Horses for, well, my mental health (lol), but they can be extremely useful as well. I'd cook and bake a lot. I'd do lots of housework, because I love doing things myself. But I ain't no 50s house wife slave girlie, I hate being pushed around, so not like that... Not because I was ordered to do this and that, but because I'd like to. We'd be equals. Perhaps we'd start a small family later on. We'd, hopefully, be as ecological as possible. Like I said, grow our own vegetables, produce our own eggs, and, when our pet animals would become old and have to be put down, we'd use them kindly, grateful for what we could get. Perhaps we could fish and hunt our own fish and meat. Perhaps we'd be in a community of farmers and get our wheat from the local community. 

I could weave yarn from the wool of our sheep and knit, sew, crochet. I know how to use a loom, too, so I could make carpets, and so on... Oh, I'd sing and play the piano, dance round the house, fill the rooms with the aroma of fresh bread and cinnamon buns... And I'd use the bike to go around as much as I possible could. I wouldn't even mind a lack of running water, since that's how it's like at the cottage. There are no sinks, toilets or showers there, haha. I'd have bees to produce honey, and a compost to take care of all the organic waste (which would become a useful fertilizer later-on). I'd use herbs to make cosmetics, soaps, small "medicine" (not really, but for a lack of a better word), salads and food. Collect mushrooms and berries... Build most of what I could by hand. 

I wouldn't mind not traveling too much, since there are things you have to sacrifice if you want to take care of the climate. Which is one of the big decisions I made, that I just can't bring myself to fly with airplanes, because of their extremely bad effects. Perhaps I'll make that one big trip to Japan one day, perhaps another to the US. Once in a lifetime. Or, well, I've investigated the possibility of going by ship, too. It could be a pretty cool adventure, ahaha. But well, for now I'm trying to avoid flying anywhere. It's trains and ships, baby! Besides, traveling around my area is fun, too.

Oh, and I'd go to work. I can't (realistically) imagine a life in which I didn't wage work. But even if not every day was fun, I'd be satisfied with my job. I'd feel it was meaningful, good.

And life would be hard, stressful, frustrating. 

But it'd be good.

This is a mountain of a post... I didn't plan anything beforehand, and I haven't gone back to read through any of what I just vomited onto the screen, so it's a large possibility that there's no red thread running through the entirety of what I just said. It's also quite probable, none of it makes much sense to anyone. But that's just fine. The importance of this post is more to me to begin with, haha.

"If you're so caught up on this "diy" way of life, what are you doing to achieve it?" you might ask. Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm learning more about crafts all the time, for instance. I already know how to knit socks, sweaters, scarfs and mittens, etc. I'm crocheting a big carpet and moving onto a blanket soon. I know how to make carpets with a loom. Soon, I hope to learn pottery and how to weave yarn... I also know how to sew a lot of things, although admittedly, I'm kind of rusty. It's not that hard, though. I know how to chop my own firewood, and I asked my great-uncle to teach me how to use a chainsaw. He also said he'd teach me haymaking. Dad is teaching me how to fish, and I hope to learn to shoot. I just learned how to sharpen knives, and I'm getting comfortable with using them (for small woodwork), too. I'm learning more and more about gardening all the time, currently I've only grown tomatoes, chili, sage, potatoes, parsley and rhubarb. I'm also learning more about herbs, about recognizing, collecting, growing, drying, and using them. I just learned a new berry and some uses for it... And my parents and I want to learn mushrooms together. I have a long way to go, especially when it comes to building things, using many tools, and farming, but with time I'm sure I can learn. That's what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to go to uni, do something meaningful, improve on myself, achieve a level of stability so that I could try to become as independent and ecological (solar paneeeeeels) as possible with a guy I'd be in love with and start a family. No, I'm not interested in fucking around anymore. It's time to grow up. 

I want to grow and be good to people, to the world.

Am I a hippie? Well, I don't have dreadlocks, but...

yes.