Endure

Alright.

I've been trying to work on my stress levels after realizing how much they're harming my body - being unable to sleep and having an aching stomach (heartburn, my favourite friend) gets old real fast. Frankly, I've been more or less stressed for almost a year now, since during December 2017 I got assaulted, had to deal with that and the police investigation, started to prepare for my first finals and had my German diploma exam, which was quite a stressful experience as well since I tend to aim for perfection... Or if not perfection, I at least tend to have high expectations for myself. To the point where it sometimes might be slightly too much. Admittedly, there have been phases during which I've felt relatively stress-free, but I suspect that there's been some hidden stress that I've been unable to work through up until this point. Besides, the time from summer 2017 to March 2018 was a super hard time for me, for multiple reasons. Harder than the current one, I'd say.

In any case, it's now that I realize just how much I need some unwinding; I've been quite happy and carefree, but not completely relaxed. I need to relax. And yeah, I'm working on that... Basically, I'm trying to learn how to say "no". I'm pretty good at not hanging out with friends if I feel like being by myself, but refusing to help if someone asks for it is so damn hard for me. It's hard to refuse if someone needs you. Yeah, I know I can't help everybody (and no one expects me to), but it goes against my character to flat-out decline. But it's a skill I have to learn at some point, so may as well do it now. Instead of immediately agreeing to do whatever someone asks me to do I should at least put some thought into it first.

In addition, I'm trying to follow my own schedules from now on, at least to the extent I can. Abiding by other people's timetables can make me feel stressed and slightly uncomfortable. Besides, it's impossible to listen to your own body and needs if you have to do something according to a strict schedule. So, now that I don't have to walk the dog three times a day anymore, I'm not taking on any other responsibilities for a while. I won't go out simply because my friends would like me to, and mess up my sleeping schedule. I'll give up on my hobbies for the time being, simply because I need a pause. A time-out, a breather. School I can't pass on, which is cool since some routine is necessary. But other than that, I'll listen to my body and mind from now on. Oh yeah, and I'll try to go to bed early, so that I can sleep for a decent amount of time.

Sleep is definitely the biggest issue at the moment. I'm so stressed that my body feels like it's going overboard, it's uneasy and restless, my heart beating and stomach aching. I feel slightly nauseous, too. It sometimes feels impossible to fall asleep (although I always do sleep eventually, it just sometimes takes many hours to finally succeed in it), and now that I've had many nights of insomnia or trouble falling asleep, going to bed feels stressful as well. Which, in turn, makes it harder to actually manage to sleep. Since my body can't calm down, my mind becomes hyperaware and paranoid, and especially my heart makes me scared. Heartburn can feel like a stroke, which is a terrifying feeling all alone at night. Well, I've been able to rationalize through it and convince myself that I'm not going to die, but it's still quite uncomfortable and not necessarily a pleasant experience. To be honest, if this continues, I'll probably have to ask for professional help - I need sleep to be healthy! But. The last two nights have been alright. I'll admit I haven't fallen asleep very fast, but I haven't felt like I was having a heart attack, and I haven't been anxious or scared. And that, believe me, is an improvement. I'm definitely hoping that the worst has passed and that the biggest stress is gone. It's just that it takes some time to calm down completely and for the cortisol to disappear from your system.

I'd really like to sleep next to someone at the moment - I feel like listening to their breathing and also knowing they'd be right there, able to notice if something actually was wrong, would calm me right down. But well, there isn't really anyone to cuddle with. I can't sleep next to mom since that'd be kind of weird, and it's also my dad's bed. I can't just out-right steal it, lol. Sure, I have friends who I could sleep next to alright, but it's a hassle to organize sleepovers, and besides, I can't count on that all the time. I just need to learn how to fall asleep again.

I have some tricks up my sleeve, though: reading novels right before turning my lights off and going to sleep, hugging a fluffy people (has worked ever since I was a child), crocheting or knitting right before going to bed, watching calming videos. I'm also decently good at meditation and forcing my mind to calm down. It's my body that has too much stress hormone in it at the moment that keeps me up at night, but I'm confident the hormone will dissolve and disappear after some more time passes. 

Well, things are slowly starting to improve, that's for sure. I'm not crying every day anymore, for instance. And sleeping is not as scary as it was two weeks ago, when I really experienced palpitations and, quite honestly, thought I was going to die for real. Haha, now I at least don't feel that anymore. 

It's funny what stress does to you, isn't it? My mind is relatively okay with things, but my body has a hard time coping. And the struggling of my body is affecting my mind as well, because that's what cortisol, adrenaline and tiredness do to your brain. But at least it's starting to pass - and even though the nights have been (and still are) difficult, at least I've had good days, too!

This too shall pass.