Yet another whiny post about loneliness, sadface

I feel a little weird.

I haven't had a phone for a week, that little asshat just died when I took its panzer glass off to replace it with a new one. Its screen blackened and it hasn't worked ever since - I've even tried rebooting it, to no avail. It does work... kind of, since the volume buttons work, and you can see the lights of the "return" and "tabs" buttons, but the screen stays black. I took it to the shop where I bought it from, but because the screen has a scratch, the warranty is off. Man... I don't like putting money on stuff. Especially when my phone was such a good, trusty phone, only a year old.. So stupid of it to break like this, after it has survived so much.

But that wasn't the point, the point is that I've been living without a phone for a week, with no way of contacting my friends. We only talked through our phones, and now that I don't have a phone, I really can't talk with anyone. I've tried to send them Facebook messages to explain why I can't answer my phone, but no one uses Facebook anymore. It's so frustrating, I can't even explain why I can't answer their possible messages or calls. Lol. 

It's a little strange though. If one of my friends suddenly stopped answering to my Snaps or Whatsapp messages, I'd become worried. I'd ask around, go through every social media account to see if they'd been active, maybe even visit their place if they really were impossible to contact... A week isn't such a long time, but at the same time, I feel a little.. hurt, I guess? Since if one of my friends wouldn't answer like they would've used to, I'd start asking around even after only a couple of days. Especially if they tend to answer pretty quickly. To tell you the truth, I'm not always that easy to catch, I don't tend to spend much time on my phone. But still, I do try. So... I don't know, I feel a little weirded out. It's not like I've gone knocking on their doors to tell that "hey, I don't have a phone anymore, just to let you know", but I haven't wanted to intrude. Maybe they're thinking similarly. Besides, I shouldn't expect people to actually come looking for me. They're probably just being polite. But, why do I feel so left out... Why can't I help but feel a little bit hurt. So dumb of me. Like I said, it's only been a week, and they're probably just assuming that I don't want to talk to anyone, ahaha. They probably don't think about it more than that. But... I don't know, man, maybe I'd want them to think about it more? To notice that I'm gone.

Haha, so melodramatic... It's my fault for being slow at answering, they're probably thinking that I'm super slow this time. Like, 7 days slower than usual. I don't know, I miss my friends. I haven't seen them much this summer, so not talking at all feels a little nasty. I have a lot of people I consider friends, but... Maybe we just aren't that close. I hate asking people for coffee all the time, I hate having to take the initiative all the time. I don't mind not hanging out all the time, hell, I'm personal space personified. But even then, I have a feeling that if I didn't push us to spend time together, we wouldn't see one another at all. Haha, what is wrong with me? Why are my friendships always like this? Because I have this warped sense of closeness, I listen to them so much, help them out so much, I care about them so much, I'm blanketing in this sense of comfort and mutual caring, but I guess it isn't always mutual. It's just... Why can't I get close to anyone?

Talk about wallowing in self-pity. I know, it's a little pathetic. And I've already talked about my loneliness before, so why do I have to do it again? I don't know, it just resurfaced, like it does from time to time. A cold reminder of how alone I am, despite caring about my friends. But I've felt for a long time that we only, truly, talk about our emotions and feelings when we get drunk. We barely see each other without being drunk. And me, being someone who doesn't go to bars too often (the bars in this town play bad music and I've already made the mistake of making out with people from your own town and it is FORBIDDEN), I might drop out really fast. I just... no friendship ever feels real. Except, currently I have one that's lovely, with the girl with whom I went hiking! She's awesome. She's working currently, so it's understandable that we don't see each other much.

But my grave problem with friendships, any kinds of relationships, really, is that I care too much. I've always been the type of person who has tsunamis of emotion. Like, I can get really overrun by my own emotions. For better and for worse. When I get excited, my heart beats like crazy, my breath sticks to my throat, my stomach is full of butterflies... When I get sad, it feels like someone is strangling my heart. And don't get me started on love... or heartbreak. So, I've always felt like I care about my friends or family even too much. So much that I'm not sure if I can ever feel that I receive as much as I give. Lol, I understand how arrogant this sounds, but to be frank, it's not arrogant. It's an annoying thing. I don't talk about my feelings much, but rather, I internalize and suppress because I don't want to bother others. But despite how much I might hide them, the feelings still exist. And I feel like I give so much, and love so much, and want to love so much, and I'm not sure if anyone has ever loved me like that. And I'm often used as a stress ball, or a friendly neighbourhood psychologist, which I don't mind to a point. But there comes a point. And after that point, it starts to get quite annoying. 

I am someone who often puts others first - hell, when it comes to the people I love, I'd gladly place a gun against my head and pull the trigger if I had to do it for them. I'm someone who loves too much. And it's a lonely, lonely thing. Maybe I fooled myself into believing that these friends I have, these people who I've enjoyed spending time with, would actually care about the person behind these snarky, sarcastic comments and these words of encouragement and support. But that person there, that person is so lonely and so alone. I have so many people to talk to, yet I feel like I never talk to anyone. Staying at an arm's distance is all fine and dandy, I wouldn't trust many people enough to open up in the first place. But I just wish people were more honest about that. Don't cry because you love me so much when if those are just over-emotional words of a drunk person. Because I might believe you. If you don't want to be close, it's alright. If that's the case, don't pretend otherwise.

I care about people a lot. I'm a people-person, I love looking at people, helping people, talking with people, making people laugh. But this gets so exhausting, and I don't know what to do... I feel like my internal mess of emotions and feelings and care, and my thoughts and maybe just the entire definition of me are just too much. I'm not that interesting as a person, but as someone who's pretty intense I can be a lot to take in all at once. I feel like I can't find balance, or someone to share myself with (that sounds a little weird... But anyway.). Because I'm longing for equality, someone who could care about me with the same intensity. 

I guess it just is a question of time and patience. Besides, if I've come this far, I'm sure I can manage a couple more years. It would just be lovely, lovelylovelylovely, to be able to talk your souls out with someone. Talk with no burden of having to pay so much attention to everyone else, talk with no fear of being too much, or too passionate, or too into it. "You sound so smart it pisses me off", said one of my friends during philosophy class, ahaha. That's the opposite of what I want. Because after that, I hid inside my thoughts. It was like a splash of cold water to my face. Even when I'm writing this, I'm afraid I come across as a pseudo-intellectual whiny bitch who's just too into self-pity to see what a loner she is. Lol. But it's not as much about me being a loner (I have enough people around me), rather, the quality of those friendships... Which I can't seem to get right! I don't know, it has to be some issue with me, 'cause this has gone on for so long. And I wish, man, I wish I had someone around who'd laugh with me, or laugh at me, or laugh at me laughing, who'd tell their honest opinions about stuff, and to whom I could tell my honest opinions about stuff, and who'd feel all warm and fuzzy. Who I could love and feel that I'm loved, too. 

Oh well. I've been practicing jazz lately. Jazz is good. Jazz is the brush making love to the snare drum, jazz is the saxophone showing off, jazz is the bass chuckling lowly. Jazz is the piano sounding like a candlelit dinner on the 20th floor of some building covered in glass. Jazz is flirting with the soul, and I love it. And I've been making plans about hiking, and we're going to two national parks on Sunday. And, I don't know, my days have just gone. I feel like I'm in a stage of waiting. Just going on and on, improving myself and going day in day out. 

Why are all my texts people-related? Lol. I feel like I'm always writing about the same thing. I'm a broken record. I just feel like I'm in a desperate need of some real human interaction, despite how introverted I am. I'm not a hermit! And meaningful relationships are important to me. I swear to god, if I ever get into a super serious romantic relationship, I'm going to be too much, ahaha. Not like this overly-excited stalker-ish "good morning honeeeey I love you so much I think about you all the time!!!! <3" girlfriend (my type of pet name is "loser"....), but so... deeply into it, I wonder if anyone can bear with me, lol. Like, the type of girlfriend who'll just be so in awe of the other person, and love with so much force (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ..Okay I'll stop.) and care so much that it could be too intense to someone. 

Hgnhfgnf I just. I just. I don't know. I don't know what I feel. Or why I feel so lonely. I also know that I can't ask for the type of connection I want from people. I know that. You can't force someone to connect with you, you can't forcibly make people care. Also, lately I've been kind of realizing that maybe I'll never find a person like that... Maybe I just can't connect with someone on a soul level, lol. Maybe that's just the way it is. And in that case, I'd just have to learn to accept this feeling and keep on going as per usual. Although, that's a terribly, terribly depressing thought. I'd rather imagine that I just haven't found the right people yet... Maybe after a change in scenery, I'll bump into someone, and after spending some time together, we just casually become super close. Maybe.

Or not. Who knows. But I'll keep dreaming 'cause I'd rather imagine that since it's a lonely thought to be lonely for the rest of your long, long days.