Why are u here?
I already wrote this text once.
It turned into poetry and silly, descriptive words that tried hard to be art. Screw art, this blog is not going to be about art. It's gonna be about cold and hard honesty. I'm rarely honest, but here I want to be just that - to you, and to me as well. I don't know when was the last time I was completely honest to someone, hell, I don't even know if I've been that to myself. I don't think many people know what's going on in my head. Not even the ones I love the most, since I suck at telling other people about the negative feelings I might feel. I'm not being fully honest because I won't share with them the way they've hurt me, I won't tell them if they anger me. I'm dumb like that - I don't believe they'll stay if I ever hurt them, no matter how little, no matter if it's unintentional. Silly, silly me. Wish I could share absolutely everything with them, my words and my thoughts, the way I see this world in which we all live, the way I get excited, or sad, or angry. I wish I had someone I could bare myself to. I love the world so much, and so many people, too, I'm just not close enough with them. I want to, I want to be so close with someone special, someone who doesn't exist in my life yet, so close that I couldn't get any closer to them. I'd wanna see their soul, their heart, their true colours, and show them everything. I'd want them to care, because I care so, so, so fucking much. I wish I had someone like that. I don't, though, so these blank pages are going to work as a replacement.
I live in dreams and hopes and goals and all kinds of nice things. I wanted to face them eye-to-eye, so I decided to write them down. Then I can face all of them and man up. I want to be more ambitious than dreamy. 'Cause, honey, I really really want to fulfill my goals. I want to, so bad. Which is why I need plans, straight-forward plans, decisions, roads leading to success. I love dreaming, I love dreams. A girl needs to have something to look forward to. But I don't want to just smile and think, "that would be nice". No! I want to be strong and... succeed. I want to succeed. In being happy, I guess.
And I guess I need to write in order to deal with my emotions. I suck bad at talking to my loved ones about what I really feel and think. I mean, it is a slight problem but I don't know how to start dealing with it - I feel so many emotions and so many... things, I don't know how to share them. I don't know how to truthfully tell what I really think, especially if it's something negative. Conflicts with the ones I care about are extremely difficult to me, so I try to avoid them with the best of my ability. I don't know how to talk about love, either, but it most likely has something to do with our rather stoic culture, not just my personality.
The only reason I put these scribbles public is because I live in a dream in which someone could know me, and this blog is good practice for it. It's going to be a peculiar challenge because of that aspect, honesty is bravery and most of us aren't it very much (myself included). If you're bare and true and open you can be judged so much. I want that, to bare myself, to show my true colours. And who knows, maybe I'll start being more openly, fully and vividly myself in reality?
(Could be refreshing... Being honest, being me, being completely myself. Dwelling and swimming in pure honesty, saying exactly what I felt even if it wasn't just nice and kind and positive all the time. Not being rude or intentionally mean, but not censoring and continuing holding back my emotions. I guess now I'm a cruel person - I serve sweet lies, those which people want to hear. Sugar-coated lies. I'm liked as I always try to be nice, but it's not always true, and not healthy at all, you know. I don't actually think all of those things. I don't actually feel all of those things. Honesty and truth aren't anyone's enemies but sometimes they sting a bit. I don't sting people, I'm too cruel to do that. I need to somehow figure out how to remove people that hurt me from my life, I'm such a liar at times.)
Maybe I want someone I know to find this, to read what's actually me, cause this blog is me, really, truly, honestly me. Maybe I want someone to find out it's me behind these chains of letters, maybe I want someone to decode me, to see me through, to accept me from head to toe? Is that even possible? I'm asking you, I really want you to. To see me behind the all-day-long smile.
It turned into poetry and silly, descriptive words that tried hard to be art. Screw art, this blog is not going to be about art. It's gonna be about cold and hard honesty. I'm rarely honest, but here I want to be just that - to you, and to me as well. I don't know when was the last time I was completely honest to someone, hell, I don't even know if I've been that to myself. I don't think many people know what's going on in my head. Not even the ones I love the most, since I suck at telling other people about the negative feelings I might feel. I'm not being fully honest because I won't share with them the way they've hurt me, I won't tell them if they anger me. I'm dumb like that - I don't believe they'll stay if I ever hurt them, no matter how little, no matter if it's unintentional. Silly, silly me. Wish I could share absolutely everything with them, my words and my thoughts, the way I see this world in which we all live, the way I get excited, or sad, or angry. I wish I had someone I could bare myself to. I love the world so much, and so many people, too, I'm just not close enough with them. I want to, I want to be so close with someone special, someone who doesn't exist in my life yet, so close that I couldn't get any closer to them. I'd wanna see their soul, their heart, their true colours, and show them everything. I'd want them to care, because I care so, so, so fucking much. I wish I had someone like that. I don't, though, so these blank pages are going to work as a replacement.
I live in dreams and hopes and goals and all kinds of nice things. I wanted to face them eye-to-eye, so I decided to write them down. Then I can face all of them and man up. I want to be more ambitious than dreamy. 'Cause, honey, I really really want to fulfill my goals. I want to, so bad. Which is why I need plans, straight-forward plans, decisions, roads leading to success. I love dreaming, I love dreams. A girl needs to have something to look forward to. But I don't want to just smile and think, "that would be nice". No! I want to be strong and... succeed. I want to succeed. In being happy, I guess.
And I guess I need to write in order to deal with my emotions. I suck bad at talking to my loved ones about what I really feel and think. I mean, it is a slight problem but I don't know how to start dealing with it - I feel so many emotions and so many... things, I don't know how to share them. I don't know how to truthfully tell what I really think, especially if it's something negative. Conflicts with the ones I care about are extremely difficult to me, so I try to avoid them with the best of my ability. I don't know how to talk about love, either, but it most likely has something to do with our rather stoic culture, not just my personality.
The only reason I put these scribbles public is because I live in a dream in which someone could know me, and this blog is good practice for it. It's going to be a peculiar challenge because of that aspect, honesty is bravery and most of us aren't it very much (myself included). If you're bare and true and open you can be judged so much. I want that, to bare myself, to show my true colours. And who knows, maybe I'll start being more openly, fully and vividly myself in reality?
(Could be refreshing... Being honest, being me, being completely myself. Dwelling and swimming in pure honesty, saying exactly what I felt even if it wasn't just nice and kind and positive all the time. Not being rude or intentionally mean, but not censoring and continuing holding back my emotions. I guess now I'm a cruel person - I serve sweet lies, those which people want to hear. Sugar-coated lies. I'm liked as I always try to be nice, but it's not always true, and not healthy at all, you know. I don't actually think all of those things. I don't actually feel all of those things. Honesty and truth aren't anyone's enemies but sometimes they sting a bit. I don't sting people, I'm too cruel to do that. I need to somehow figure out how to remove people that hurt me from my life, I'm such a liar at times.)
Maybe I want someone I know to find this, to read what's actually me, cause this blog is me, really, truly, honestly me. Maybe I want someone to find out it's me behind these chains of letters, maybe I want someone to decode me, to see me through, to accept me from head to toe? Is that even possible? I'm asking you, I really want you to. To see me behind the all-day-long smile.
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