Confidence isn't gonna be just a dream

I don't really have enough time to open my computer and start writing anymore but despite that, here I am.

It's almost 10 pm here and I'm such a baby that I kind of really want to go to bed. Take a nice, hot shower, slip into comfy pajamas and read some Stephen King before switching the lights off and starting to think about life. I always start thinking and wondering before I silence my brain and decide to try and fall asleep. It's my dream time. I'm a dreamer after all. Can't wait to wash my teeth and lie down.

Today I've been thinking about confidence. I haven't written about my past, but many things influenced my way of thinking and feeling about myself, negatively as well. Those weren't that bad in the grand scheme of things, to be honest - hell, I still had friends all the time. I wasn't physically bullied or anything (except that time I got cut with scissors, and that one time a girl choked me, and once a girl handcuffed me and left me alone in a dark room. That was pretty fucked-up, I was so afraid and kept shouting for her but she left me there for a while. I was 7.), and neither the whole school nor my class decided to hate me. No, there just were some mean girls who probably didn't think much of it at all and have forgotten that they ever said something remotely nasty. I don't think they understood how much pain their words caused to me. But anyway, I'd like to think that I've gotten past those times. That their words don't hold any real meaning to me, not anymore. I have, for the most part, forgiven those girls even though we are by no means friends. I often look at their Instagrams, maybe out of curiosity, maybe some kind of a strange jealousy - they're all beautiful, seem to be popular, and kind of rich. Those are all very superficial things, but I like to dive into their worlds through those staged pictures every once in a while. Those pictures might not be honest, but they offer a nice dream.

And all those girls are very confident. They might be kinda cruel, kind of mean, but at least they're confident. That I'll give to them. I don't want to be a genuinely mean person - how should I put this? I don't care about most people a lot, it's alright if they don't like me, so I'm indifferent. They exist, I exist, we exist without thinking much of one another. I don't want to go around hurting people; even if I don't really like them, I don't dislike them, either. They should be happy, it's all good. So in that sense, I don't want to be like those power-hungry girls who enjoy hurting people and don't want them to be happy. It's also completely uncalled for and unempathetic to be that mean to others, not to mention that you burn a lot of bridges and gain enemies. The people you hurt might not be powerful, but you get a certain kind of reputation: a bad one. I don't want that. But, with all their faults, they still have something I admire and respect: confidence!

It's cheesy and corny, but I still believe confidence is the key. I know a lot of people and I don't really know any ugly ones - seriously, I really don't know any ugly people! Most of that is thanks to the fact that the ones I know well are so confident, so sure of themselves, so comfortable with who they are. They're all very different as people, both superficially and in the inside. But they're all still attractive, and that's due to the confidence they have. The more confident, the better and more attractive they look to me. Not exactly self-centered or arrogant, but sure of themselves. These types of people try new things, get to know different people or find themselves in new situations, but even then they're not scared of being who they are, being different, failing, being rejected, and so on. They know how they function, they know what they want. They know themselves so thoroughly they don't need other people's opinions to support them. They can be nervous or awkward, they can fumble and tumble and fail from time to time, but at the end of the day they laugh at themselves and keep going. They're not perfect, but the catch is that they're completely fine with that imperfection.

They're hot, you know. They know what they want and go and get it. If they fail, well, that's okay to them. They'll recover. They don't have to be, objectively, the hottest people in the world, but the way they're fine with themselves and enjoy being who they are is so... So intriguing, so appealing to me. They can be introverted, inexperienced or not into any relationships, too. They don't have to be sexually hot. They don't have to be "classic beauties". The way they're just doing what they enjoy doing and are so goddamn fine with themselves, so alright and so unapologetically themselves is such a goal for me. A trait I admire and respect.

I guess the key is to enjoy yourself. To dive into your mind, into your ways. Finding out who you are and how you think, feel and work. This way you'll find out what you really enjoy and what you don't.

This is my goal. One of the biggest ones. To be so confident, so happy in my own skin! To not need validation from others and to feel just fine being by myself, doing what I do. Getting to know what I personally want and not following others. Being okay with disagreeing with others. God, I wish I could say: that hurt me. Please refrain from doing those things to me. Please don't yell at me, don't use me as a tool to ease your own pain and anger.

How the hell do you gain confidence?

It's a big project. I don't know any keys or shortcuts. I'm also only talking to myself about myself, so I don't know how things work for others. We humans are weird and complicated, especially when it comes to mental stuff. Our body image, self-image and confidence are big terms, and under them you can find so many moving parts. A shitload of things have an effect on how we see ourselves.

I'm already pretty confident, I think, but I want to get even more so. I find myself being nervous before I try something new, because I'm afraid of failing. Why am I afraid of that? It's important to fail 'cause you can't learn anything well without first not being unsuccessful. Well, I'm afraid of other people's image of me changing because I wasn't able to do something. Change for the worse. That they think I'm stupid, or bad, or I need help, I can't do stuff by myself. And I'm afraid of seeing myself fail, of becoming laughingstock. (I believe that's because I was laughed at, collectively, when I was a kid. Lmao, why does everything trace back to childhood? I should get over it. I'm not back in kindergarten, trying to hold off tears.) That's not being confident, a confident person doesn't really get bothered by other people's opinions. I know I say stuff like "I don't care", but in reality, I still kind of do. A lot. I lie to myself by saying that I don't care about other people. Hell yeah I do! And that in itself isn't a problem.

But, what I'd need, is some healthy I-don't-give-a-fuck-attitude. Some screw-you-mentality. It's good to think about other people's opinions to some extent, 'cause you'll grow as a person if you keep other people's emotions and opinions in mind. If you do something wrong you'll hear about it, so you need to keep your ears open. I mean, if you don't care at all about doing something shitty, then I guess this has nothing to do with you. But I care, at least to some, healthy extent. And by being nice and hearing other people's opinions of that, it makes you feel better. It makes you feel like you're doing the right thing.

But living only for the applause, for the flattering comments, isn't confident at all. You need to use your own brain. Is what I'm doing right? Is it wrong? If you think you're being a good person, if you know what you're doing and are fine with it, then you don't really need to care. This is what I mean by that screw-you-mentality. If someone has a problem with you, then whatever. Then they have. If they laugh at you, then so what. You're fine with yourself, the people around you are fine with you (at least they should be), you know you're doing the right thing. That's all you need. (Although I try to listen to what other people say and stay open to suggestions. I mean, even Hitler thought what he did was right, if you know what I mean.) Admiration is also nice but will only get you that far. You need to admire yourself.

So what am I suggesting? What are my advices to myself? How am I gonna grow that fricking amazing confidence that'll make me stroll along the streets and rock my swimsuit all summer long?

Well, I have a game plan, folks.

First of all, I need to talk nicely about myself. Your mindset is kinda the most important part here, because confidence is literally about mindset. If you put yourself down, how are you not gonna feel down? So I'll start talking nicely. I'll start treating myself nicely. I need to accept the parts I can't change and if change is something I can reach and want to get, then I may do that. I'll work with what I have and be satisfied with that.

I mean, if you look into the mirror and say "goddammit, I'm such a bag of garbage", you can't really feel confident, you know? If you say "hell yeah girl, you looking fine", you feel much better about yourself. Sometimes it's a conscious choice.

But this has all been very superficial. (Not gonna lie, I am also superficial about myself. I care a lot about how I look. But I care more about many other things, too!)

Second of all. Hobbies.

You need to acquire skills, you need to do what you love doing. You could be a beautiful, attractive person, but you'll feel like garbage if you're not comfortable with yourself. And I think getting comfortable needs knowing you're good at something, doing what you enjoy doing, setting goals and succeeding. If you have hobbies, you'll fail eventually. Then you'll learn how to get over that and become even better. That's really important for your confidence - failing doesn't end the world, it makes you learn. Then you just need to stand up and try again. Hobbies make you learn more about yourself, give you a passion, give you something you wanna do and focus on. That's so attractive, doing what you want with confidence! That's why hobbies are important for boosting it. Who cares whether it's crocheting, parkour, ice hockey or cooking the best meatballs of the entire Earth? It's a hobby, it's what you enjoy, it can be surreal.

Thirdly, you need to surround yourself with the right people.

Don't get me wrong, it's kind of a big deal to learn to be fine by yourself if you wanna be confident. It's good if you can try new things, talk to people, walk confidently and just hang out with yourself, by yourself, without others backing you up. Confidence has so much to do with learning to love yourself and finding out you don't need others to feel fine. But, you can't be very confident if everyone around you is putting you down. Having people who have faith in you and enjoy hanging out with you, not being ashamed of you (trust me, there actually are people who can be ashamed of spending time with you even if you call them your friends) is kind of a requirement, unless you're that kind of a person who's just a lone wolf and doesn't need anyone at all. I'm an introvert, but I still need people from time-to-time. It's very, very, very important to find people who accept you. They'll help you grow and make you forget any fears or doubts you could've had. You'll do something with your friends that you would've hesitated to do by yourself. Then you'll see it's not that bad and start to feel way better and more confident, even by yourself. To me, finding the right people has been a bit of a struggle. People who are super obsessive with their reputation and looks are both boring and unsupportive to me. They make you start to obsess, too.

+ If you help your friends, if you support them, if you make them feel better, if you make 'em happy, that'll definitely help with your confidence, as well! (if you're right in the head, though. If you don't care about other people's emotions, than this might not apply to you.)

So, what does this mean in practice?

Superficial part. Learn to love your looks. Treat yourself and find a good style in which you feel hella good and fine, take good pictures and be satisfied with them. Be kind to yourself. Learn to accept the traits you have if you can't change them. It's difficult, but by being kind and kinda understanding that they don't, really, matter a fuck, you'll get there. Change what you can, if you want. That to me means that I change my body for the better, that I can change my hair colour and clothing if I want, and trying out styles that I'm kinda hesitant of trying. I can rock my skirts and long socks, you can too. With all this superficial stuff, I feel like adding that it's important to reflect on what you're doing. Are you changing 'cause you want to? Do you want to look the way you look? Do you follow trends, use makeup and wear your clothes because you want, or is it because of others? "Fixing" your looks won't probably solve your problems. You'll find another so-called problem to obsess over. Also, one weirdly helpful thing: flirt (sometimes. With the right people, in the right situations.). Have good relationships, have fun. To me this is very confidence-boosting, thanks to the people who told me no one could ever want me. Well, look at this boy now! (Don't go overboard though. You don't need to kiss everyone to feel okay. I mean, you can if you want to, but sex doesn't heal you. You do.)

Unsuperficial: Hobbies, do what you love. Get better at it and be passionate. Learn things that don't require other people, just you! You need to have stuff of your own. To me, this means: keep riding, keep running, go to the gym, go swimming, do your art-stuff, write poems, watch those series you want to watch, not the ones everyone suggests. Keep your own head and your opinions. Be okay with disagreeing, or having an opinion that differs! It's alright to say that you disagree. Be confident in your opinions and stand your ground. This is going to sound horribly cheesy, but it's confident to be honest. To say what you think. It makes you vulnerable. Get rid of the people who put you down. You don't need their ways of thinking. You wanna love yourself, love, feel loved! Be all lovey-dovey. So find those people and hang on to them.

Keep yourself busy, that way you'll do what you love and learn to love yourself in the process. It's good to have hobbies that have something to do with exercising, because physical activity really makes you feel better about yourself. It empties your head. Learn to understand that other people's opinions aren't very important, after all. You can't. Just absolutely cannot. Please everyone. If they dislike you, who cares. Obviously they don't deserve you if they don't like you. Learn to fuck it all sometimes. A good level of indifference boosts your confidence. I care a lot about others' feelings and emotions and don't really say things that are a little on the negative side. (But honestly, those people who think it's cool to be a bitch and hate on everyone just seem very insecure, so don't be like that, either. Be okay with your decisions, but hurting others on purpose and boasting about your coldness isn't very confident. Boasting, usually, makes you seem and feel very small. You don't always need to tell everyone about your good qualities or skills. They exist, they're valid, even if they're yours and only yours.)

This may or may not be helpful, but it has made me feel better. It has made me think that I can buy those risky heels I've been imagining, and rock them. It makes me feel calm. In peace with myself. This is who I am, it's okay. I can go with my flow, live my own life, in my own way. I can be happy with who I am.

Now I just need to keep this feeling going for the rest of my life. A challenge, eh?