September sniffles

Whoopsie.

I haven't really written a lot but no no no, before you go and start accusing me of lazy writermanship I can offer an explanation: I've been sick. Like really sick. I got a nasty case of influenza. Usually that boy starts running around in January but here it is, in September! And I, of course, got it first-hand like the lucky bastard I am. Was very sick for the first two days, now I've been better for the last two days and I think I'll be totally fine on Monday. Maybe. Nevertheless, it has been like a holiday. A very sick one, naturally, but a holiday nonetheless. I've been kinda enjoying it although I've been sick and miserable and am still sneezing and coughing like crazy.

Sick leaves are always a time of reflecting and noticing things. For instance, in these past four days I've noticed that I barely miss human interaction at all. Such an introvert. It's fun to think about it since I probably come off as a definite extrovert, all social and (sometimes) good at meetings and performing and stuff, but honestly, I'm quite satisfied being by myself. It's good to have time to be by yourself. Ever since a kid I've always enjoyed being all alone from time to time, even without my family around - an exception to most of the kids in my class, who always said they'd rather hang out with their families than be alone. I, however, wanted to be alone, too, because then I could do whatever silly stuff I wanted or perhaps blast music they wouldn't quite enjoy. Maybe another explanation for this is the fact that our apartment is small and I never really got any alonetime, so those moments were scarce and special.

I definitely prefer working alone to doing so in groups or pairs. Groups are alright if everyone has their own task and they take care of that, but if people are unmotivated or dragging everyone down I become immensely frustrated. Thank god for patience. Pairs or groups are okay, though, if the one/ones I'm working with are on the same page. I'm not trying to sound snobby or anything like that but if they're a lot better or worse than me I feel annoyed because I can't perform as well as I'd like to. If they're more or less motivated than I am, it just makes the job a little harder for both of us. It's rare to find people who are as into the project as you are, no matter whether you're into it a lot or not at all. It needs to be balanced.

And group-gatherings, parties... They're fine and fun at times but after things such as them I do need some time alone to load up my batteries. At those parties I have fun, though. Most likely drink way too much and dance through the entire night. Unless I don't drink too much, in which case I won't be having that much fun to be frank, lol. And I prefer alone-hobbies such as riding or jogging, painting, swimming... You name it. Some group activities are extremely fun, though. Hanging around with one or two people is my favourite thing, it feels much more intimate, it's easier to do stuff since planning is easier, and talking and discussing feels more comfortable and fruitful.

I make friends kind of easily, but the problem is making close friends. Small talk and other "unnecessary" social things are pretty easy to me (aka; I don't think they're very hard, like many Finns) but I don't often really see the point in them, unless I want to get to know those people or they're someone I look up to and want to be in contact with, no matter how tiny it is (which usually isn't the scenario). If there's no reason to make contact with a strange person, I probably won't. I like silence. Now I do understand I sound completely horrible but that's not who I'm trying to be - I just don't really need social interaction as much as some people do. If someone is completely strange to me and I don't want to become their friend or acquaintance I don't feel comfortable starting to interact with them; what's the point? An example: I don't start discussing if someone sits next to me in a bus, I feel comfortable working quietly in class. If someone talks to me, I don't mind it at all, it can be fun! It's rude not to answer. But I don't actively seek out and initiate those situations. Usually people think that introverts aren't good at small talking or any social situations whatsoever - that might be the case for some, but I think that's more of a socially awkward person or a person who's afraid of social situations. Many introverts don't suck at social stuff, they withstand it to the extent they think is necessary. They don't start social stuff if they don't think it's important.

Some introverts like to be noticed, too. They like attention at times. I like to perform, even to a larger crowd. I also like to hold presentations or go to job interviews, even it's a little nerve-wracking. The thing is, while entertaining others you kind of turn into a different person. That is not you. While being interviewed, you're trying to sell yourself, and if you're ambitious like me it turns into a fun challenge. It doesn't matter whether you're an introvert or not. And presentations, you want to share information, opinions, hear other people's thoughts, start interesting conversations, maybe change someone's mindset a little - maybe even your own! Those conversations and situations aren't meaningless, they're important. That's why they're totally manageable, and even fun.

Creativity, lonely work, working for hours completely involved in a project, working effectively, knowing how you work, knowing yourself, thinking and observing a lot, knowing things about others they wouldn't probably guess, learning constantly... some perks of being an introvert. And being one doesn't mean you have to be insecure or shy, either. I personally am not too shy at all - that's a personality-trait, not something you have to be. You can be an extrovert and shy, too. And it's possibly you're actually very confident and an introvert at the same time 'cause you know yourself very well thanks to all those hours you've spent by yourself, investigating who you are.

But there are also some cons. Like I said before, making close friends is a struggle. I think I maybe have one close friend. I know quite a lot of people and I think many view me as a fun and outgoing person, but being lonely in a crowd is definitely a thing. You can have all the friends in the world and still feel lonely as hell. I, at least, experience that. I have many friends and do have fun with them from time to time, but it's all very superficial. I feel like something inside of me kind of prevents me from becoming extremely close with them. It's not easy. There's this canyon between being casual friends and actual, close friends and I find it hard to cross. I might have fun with these people but I don't physically need to be with them, I don't feel that lonely without them, I don't crave them. I don't need to spend time with them like I do with those very close friends I've had, or family members. When they compliment me it will, naturally, make me feel flattered for a little while but doesn't really hit hard, it doesn't warm my heart that much, not as much as it would, were they loved ones. It's like it doesn't matter, but it should! What your friends think about you should be crucial to you. Why doesn't it feel like much when they say they love me? (Although, it's hard, hard, hard to believe they really do. I don't think they do. Nice words have been said, but there isn't an emotional connection like that. I find it hard to believe that someone cares that much of me. Maybe I'd let out all those emotions I'm controlling and restraining if I believed they loved me. Who knows?)

And if they have hardships or struggles I help them out as much as I can but don't feel too bad about it. Obviously I'm sad and try to help them, but I don't feel.. crushed by the hardships they might have. It's awful to admit. I try to make up for it by being as good a friend I possibly can, but I don't care about them as much as I should. I care about our group, our harmony, the fun times we have together, but the individuals aren't important enough to me. I want them to be happy and to succeed in life, but... I'm struggling to describe it. For their sake, I want them to be as satisfied as they can, but for my own, I don't? I might be a horrible human, even if it's an awful thing to admit. I care about their happiness and do become angry or sad for their sake when necessary, but I don't... die from their pain. I know I could. I'm very emotional and the pain, say, my brothers feel, absolutely kills me. Why can't I love my friends as much? How can I find people who feel like they're a vital fraction of my soul? Becoming close is definitely hard, but when it happens, I start caring so goddamn much. Maybe my brain is being smart by preventing me from falling in love with all my friends, as that would probably cause a lot of pain. It isn't too easy to build good, deep relationships, even if my friends call me a good friend.

I'm also not that good in group situations with people I don't know, or with a mix of people I know and some I don't. I become very aware of myself and pay a lot of attention to the others, which leads to me being quite quiet. This doesn't happen with everyone - with some people you just feel naturally at ease. Just so comfortable right from the get-go. Oftentimes I'm still a bit quiet - not shy, but inspecting. I don't feel the need to forcibly be social by talking to people if there's no initiative to doing so, and if it's not rude in that context. I'm fine being silent, together. This leads to me looking intimidating to some (? I don't understand that, though. I'm the most stupid, ridiculous, non-threatening person ever. If you saw me rolling around in my bed while watching romantic movies, you'd laugh to death). I think a lot of introverts suffer from that - they're fun and loud with the ones they like and want to hang out with but when they're on their own or with people they don't know or care that much about they fall silent and dive into their heads, which makes them come off as scary or cool. It might be a problem to, though. Some want to come off as easy to approach.

And the party-stuff and other social gatherings, sometimes you just don't feel like going. Sometimes taking care of relationships and your reputation is just another boring responsibility. This is what I mean by those meaningful friendships. With friends you love and admire it never feels like a task to hang out with them and spend time with them, nourishing your friendship. But with ones you don't care about as much it almost feels unnecessary. You force yourself into a party or a gathering, or to hang out one-on-one 'cause you want to keep that relationship going, even if you'd rather spend time watching some documentary or playing the piano or reading a book. Still, you go, and you might enjoy your time, but you're still glad to be back home.

I notice I come off as terribly rude, arrogant and just a very unpleasant person in general. I don't know if I can convince you otherwise, because I do try my best not to be that person. I do care about those friends I told you about, just not as much as I'd want to, not as deeply as I know I can. I don't think I'm "better than them" or something silly like that - if something, I know I have a lot of things in which to improve (in other words, I'm no good). I'm just a little different from many of them. It's not that I'd want something bad to happen to them or that I wouldn't care if they died - I'm not heartless - it's just that I don't love them with all I have and I don't mind if our relationships slowly, with time, die out... Like they eventually will, 'cause they are good people but our relationships aren't as... special. That doesn't mean I treat them like trash, though. I want to nourish them as long as our friendships last, and then I'll let go of them. Like they'll let go of me. I definitely feel like they feel the same about me; I'm no special person, either. We have a mutual agreement of indifference.

I wonder if many people get my point. I like hanging out with strangers at times, if someone starts chatting me up I'll obviously continue and am not uncomfortable with it. Parties, entertaining, attention, crowds and so on are fine, but I like peace and quiet and am fine and almost happy by myself, too. Honestly, I often have fun when doing something crazy with my friend group, and I often propose getting together too, but sometimes I'd really, really rather stay at home, and then it definitely feels like a task. Knowing we're not that close and don't have that kind of deep, lasting relationship, I know I have to go, though. Otherwise I'll start slipping away from them, or rather, they from me.

Building deep relationships is hard and I don't need social interaction very often. What I'd need, crave for, would be deep, meaningful relationships in which we both have great fun, it doesn't feel like a task, it's balanced, we're on the same level, but we don't need to be afraid of losing one another; we don't need to message each other all the time and so on. We know we'll work out. (Btw, this doesn't mean the relationship had to boring and we'd just talk about complex, life-changing things all the time lmao. No! I'm active, an adrenaline-junkie and love doing embarrassing/slightly dangerous stuff. All I mean is the connection.) I'm rather one-on-one than in a bigger group of friends, I like conversations with meaning and passion more than chitchat, relationships sometimes feel like an unnecessary task, I need me-time, I like to work and do stuff alone and so on. Still, hanging out with strangers and getting to know people can be fun!

This... This can definitely be complete level-1-stuff for a large portion of people, as I know many know about the definition of "introverts" and are aware of how different people can be, socially. I'm also about 99% sure that there are people who would get and even agree with me, and perhaps find it strange how I'm talking as if it was unheard of to prefer deeper connections, and whatnot. However, I have actually had issues with this in my life - there are people who absolutely cannot wrap their head around the concept of someone not wanting to go partying three nights in a row, and not needing to send dozens of messages and snaps a day in order to stay friends. Sometimes, people's social needs are so different that they feel almost alien...

These are the things I've been thinking about after being alone for four days and kind of enjoying it. Not a lot of people have been keeping up with me, which is fine and would be rather selfish and arrogant to expect. Although, being the attention hoe I am, I've been a little hurt noticing how little people actually care about me :((((;(;((((( (No, I'm only joking.)

...just slightly true, though. Maaan, where's my soulmate?