Gratitude

In my last blog post I talked about how life will go on no matter what - and so it does, no matter the pain, no matter the hardship, until eventually there will come a point when it's finally time for you to go. Hopefully, that won't happen for a long time.

In any case, life does continue even if it's a struggle for a while. Grandpa's condition has been stable for a while now, so we haven't really wanted to keep on worrying about him all day long. Even dad has stayed here, since driving for five hours just to stay there for one, two nights every week is quite tiring, and since there's no immediate threat, he has decided to stay to take care of his work and relax a little, too. Of course grandpa is on our minds, but now that he has been transferred closer to his home where my grandmother and aunt live, they can visit him frequently and without the rides from my dad, since neither of them owns a car or even knows how to drive. Besides, at the moment grandpa doesn't seem to be willing to go down so easily, so we can all ease up a bit - that could change at any given moment, of course, but it's no use living in constant worry. I'm so grateful for modern medicine to help him out. Now everyone's just hoping that he'll make it, that he'll be strong and push through.

After the initial shock and fear of losing someone close to me, I feel I've maybe learned something new again. Perhaps it's yet another lesson of how valuable other people can be, how you should hold on to them and treasure them to the best of your ability. Enjoy the time you get to spend with them, and not to turn down an offer to see them, since you never know when the last time will be. Relatives, especially old ones, are not around forever... Everyone with half a brain knows that, but how many people really understand it? How many people really live according to that, truly get that every day could be the last? You know, the "seize the moment" and "carpe diem" -crap you see on cliché tattoos and carved into necklaces. I don't know, I don't think I understood it. I may have claimed I did, but in all honesty... I was always expecting my grandparents to live and continue living for x amount of time, never accepting the possibility they could pass away soon. They're old, after all. "No, they're all so healthy and active!" I thought, like that was a guarantee of their health forever. Things can change, and they do. Nothing is stagnant.

However, there are so many things I'm looking forward to! Like I said, life goes on, and hopefully grandpa will be alive for many years to come. I can't know that for sure, but I'm hoping. No matter what will happen though, there's a lot to be excited about, a lot that excites me. Frankly, I've been feeling a bit down and anxious for a little while, mostly because of massive shifts in my thinking, changes in my outlook on life (something I will soon write about), school-related things, mainly finals and the next exams coming up next spring, and this whole grandpa-situation. I could really use something to keep me going..!

So, in today's Pepsodent smile-filled, artificially positive "keep smiling" -blog post I shall list things that are super great and awesome and exciting and awe-inspiring and lovely!!! I shall put on some rose-tinted glasses just this once and turn that frown into a smile...

Puke. I can't keep this up, ahaha. Too gross. Let's scratch that disgusting forced positivity and be real instead. To be perfectly honest, despite all the crap that might be going on, I'm too much of an excited person to turn into a depressed, numb person who sees no good in anything. Amidst everything, be it my anxiety or the sadness of seeing my grandpa ill, I've seen many glimmers and flickers of light, but because most of what I've been thinking and writing (especially into my diary) has been quite negative for a while, it'd do me some good to focus on those happy things for a change. Since despite everything, there's much great going on. So that's what this post is about!

Firstly, riding. I have a friend who's an excellent rider and also a coach. I used to work at her stable a while ago, until she gave up on that business and started coaching for a living. Now, she sometimes switches continents to give lessons, and that's when she needs some help to walk her dog who she can't take with. That's where I come into the picture! She called me a while ago to ask if I could help her out, which I gladly obliged to (because I'm terribly bad at saying no when someone needs my help, and also because dogs = love). In return, she coaches me! I haven't been taking lessons in many years, so you wouldn't believe how glad I am to finally have a teacher again - especially such a talented one, better than any of my former teachers. Now I feel like I can finally improve as a rider, since I've been stuck in a plateau for quite a while. I've learned small little things every now and then, but on the grand scheme of things, there hasn't been much progress... I had the last lesson last week, and boy was it fun! She's an amazing teacher and gave me some solid advice, even in that one hour I feel like I learned so much. 

Overall, I've just had a blast at the stables - I've made friends with people who share the love for horses, and the horse has been a lovely boy. He's been so good and friendly. Last time I went to the stables, he started neighing and walked to me when I was coming to take him out of the pasture. Such a cutie <3

Also, my coach's mom is around 80-years-old, a lovely grandma who lives with her and knitted me socks as a thank you for helping them out. She's so nice and caring, always making sure I'm alright and giving me apples or liquorice, once she even invited me for dinner! I'm happy to say my oldest friends is now over 60 years older than me, ahaha. She asked whether my mom and I would like to have a crafting night, maybe knitting or crocheting together, as we're all pretty avid crafters. And the answer is yeah! I'd love to spend some quality knitting time with a nice grandma.

In general, I just feel incredible grateful for having so many caring, loving people around me. I may not always realize just how much happiness they bring into my life, and just how much I appreciate them - maybe I take them for granted, just expecting them to be around, or maybe I long and yearn for something I haven't been able to create with them; a deeper connection that's difficult to form (maybe even impossible). But even though we're not soulmates, "merely" friends, that doesn't mean I should undermine and overlook the friendships we have created! They're still important to me, even though we might not be... that close, like family. But that's just fine! Not everyone can be vital to your well-being. How would you be able to live if you formed a huge bond to everyone you met? Then, if you'd have to separate from one another, you wouldn't be able to continue living. It'd be painful, too painful. Besides, it's unrealistic to expect some kind of soul-level connection with every friendly person you meet. How on Earth would you be able to click so well with everyone? Wouldn't that mean your standards were incredibly low, your soul shallow, and wouldn't that mean the importance and specialty of such connections would lower drastically?

Uhm... I started rambling. Well, the point was: I love my friends and the nice people I have around me, and today I've yet again had that moment of realization. Sometimes, I don't appreciate them enough, but for a while I've felt so overwhelmingly grateful and blessed to have so many lovely people - acquaintances and friends - in my life!

It's just... There's so much to see! So much to learn! So much! Life is... it's great. I truly believe it has the potential of being amazing.

I think life is, to a point, what we make it out to be. That means we have the power of improving it and finding happiness, contentment, satisfaction in whatever little we have. Even if we don't always have the hugest amount of matter and wealth, I think we can create something even more stable and longer-lasting: meaning, mental achievements, mental riches. An attitude. A way of seeing life. An outlook. And... There's so much in the world, so much in life that brings me happiness, even if to someone they could seem worthless and quite meaningless, really... Like nature, those small things in nature: the crispy sound of stepping on frozen water puddles or pine cones. The smell of the air. A warming sun ray. A concerto of birds. The feel of tickling grass. Flying high, higher, higher, spreading your imaginary wings and leaving the world behind, flying in your own senses and in the world all around you, just letting go! Running, feeling free!

Sensory delight. 

I... I don't know what to say. I've felt like bursting into tears so many times today. The world isn't good. But it sure as hell is beautiful. And the people who care about me, sending me happy birthday -wishes through messages and cards, the lovely, lovely people who thought of me enough to do that, I'm so grateful for them for caring about me. I'm grateful for being able to volunteer at a cat shelter, I'm grateful for having two working hands that I can do crafts with, I'm grateful for having two working legs that carry me wherever I want to go, I'm grateful for having a strong, resilient body that has supported me and brought me this far, I'm grateful for being able to spend time with animals, I'm grateful for my family, I'm grateful for my parents and their parents and their parents before them, for the history of human- and animalkind for creating me and giving me the opportunity to be in this moment, here, right now.