About love

Who the hell drinks coffee an hour before they're supposed to go to bed? Why would I do such a thing to myself? Lol, what an idiot. Fair warning, I might be more ridiculous than usual because of that damned coffee.

So, I'm feeling pretty hyper today - I've been ridiculously happy the entire day. I've been silently chuckling by myself at work, just because my own thoughts and memories have been so happy and amusing and I've felt as though I was high above the clouds. I've probably looked pretty mad, ahaha. I've wanted to dance and spin, round and round, with my trusty old rake, and I haven't been able to stop smiling. The sky became dark grey for the first time in a while today, we got a couple of hours of the distant rumbling of far-away thunder, and the raindrops felt like nectar, or honey, or, I don't know, the happy tears of god on my skin. (Don't ask. I don't even know myself.) I've felt so damn good, without really knowing why.

I just feel in love with the world today. Or maybe in love with the concept of being in love? In love with love, does that make sense? There isn't a particular person that I feel in love with, I'm just loving the fact that love exists... Ahaha. This is making even me scratch my head in confusion. Have I accidentally taken some psychedelics, or something? But really, I've just been so damn happy today, I guess I might have stumbled upon some grand realization about life and I still haven't consciously understood what it means thoroughly but it has already made me feel better about everything. Or maybe not. Maybe this is just a random, bright-pink day that makes me feel like I really want to dance with someone barefoot, or hug someone as hard as I can, or just laugh while having sex.

This must be because so many of my friends are moving in with their boyfriends, lol. Maybe their idyllic first real relationships are making me feel so damn happy for them that some of their love got transported into me. I don't know. But three of my friends are just moving in with their guys, and they're both so damn happy and satisfied in their relationships. One also just got together with a guy. Maybe they'll last, maybe not, but I feel so happy and glad for them, and they look so happy and glad as well, and that's the most important part. Maybe the fact that things are looking so bright for them currently has made me think that the world is a lovey-dovey lovely place (even though it truly isn't), and it has just made me so damn happy! Just! Love! It's so nice! 

... I really do sound like I've taken drugs. Lol. 

But honestly, I can't explain this feeling! It's so nice to feel like you want to love everyone, it feels like your heart was bursting and it's beating so rapidly and blood is gushing in your veins. It's almost violent. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm young, do I have to make sense? I feel like this ugly world just looks beautiful for this one day, and tomorrow I'm going to wake up and it's going to reveal its normal dullness to me again. I want to enjoy for this one, unrealistically pleasant day.

Also, today I realized for the first time, that guys may actually have been attracted to me. I know it sounds dumb considering that I've made out with multiple, but I've never understood that they've liked me, or wanted me. In my last post, I wrote about some of the insecurities I have about myself... And that one thing that I got told, repeatedly, "no guy could ever like you", that has stuck with me for quite some time now. So, even though obviously some guys have wanted me, I haven't understood it. I've thought that they've been kissing me, because... Lol, I don't really know why. But today I got it. Maybe someone actually thinks that I can be wantable. Truly, maybe someone feels so.

And then a grand realization came! Ok, this is going to sound like bragging.. but I got some thousands of likes on Tinder back when I had it... I only matched with a couple of people and really used it lazily, partly because I'm super bad with social media stuff, partly because many just wanted a quick fuck, but mostly because I was afraid. I was afraid that if I ever met those guys, if they took me out for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee like they suggested, they'd see how truly ugly and hideous I am, 'cause no guy could ever want me. I thought that they were only lured in by the pictures, which I felt were far from reality. I felt as though the true me was a horribly ugly, disgusting creature, unwantable, undesirable... Which is why I never said yes. Stupid, stupid me.

But today, while in my hazy, loving, happy state, I came to the realization that maybe it isn't so. Maybe those few people who have said to me that I'm cute or sexy or whatever, have actually meant it. I mean, obviously I'm no beauty queen, and I know I'm not a ten-out-of-ten or even eight-out-of-ten, I know that. But maybe, even then those guys have actually thought that I was cute.

That really felt like it opened the world to me. I got so damn excited, and nervous, and flustered, because I realized, maybe I could say yes. Maybe I could go to a real date, to some coffee shop or a restaurant or a planetarium (oh god please yes)! Maybe I could see someone, meet them, get to know them, maybe someone could be attracted to me. I have never, ever, thought that someone could be attracted to me before. Never.

I got so happy. Even happier than my before-happy state. This is a huge thing, it felt like it struck from the blue sky (grey, actually, 'cause it was thundering), and my god is it WEIRD. I've known that I have cute hair and I like my eyes and my smile is alright, but that I could be desirable? Nah man. No way. So understanding that I could actually get on with someone... That these guys that I've been talking to may actually, honestly, really be into me, which I've never believed in before... That's great news! Ahaha. Honestly, I feel so happy. I feel like my self-esteem and self-love have taken a massive step forward today. Maybe I'm finally shaking those damn words off.

It's so weird, you know. I've thought about this before, but I've felt like I was a monster, like there was something incredibly wrong with the very structure of my face, that everything about me and my body was wonky, that when I walked into a crow I'd stand out because of my hideousness. I've felt as though I was somehow abnormal. Not just ugly, but abnormal. Unfixable, uncurable, clearly different from everyone else. It's just incredible to unravel these ugly, warped, twisted thoughts that I've had for such a long time, even unconsciously! How fucking crazy? Like I said, I may not be the most gorgeous looking lady in the world, but I'm not some malformed inhuman creature either... Lol, what sick thoughts. So maybe with that you can understand how big this realization has been to me. I mean, obviously I'm a not 100 % changed person after one particularly lovely day, but it's a good step toward the right direction.

Whew, what a ride today has been. I've probably used up at least 26 % of my emotion storage, because I've felt so damn MUCH today. And it's been good emotions, too!

'Cause I want to be a lover, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I want to be all of those things, and before, maybe I've unconsciously thought that I couldn't. I've unconsciously held back on the thought that someone could love me, I haven't wanted to upset myself. Maybe in the future I can actually find someone I can wholeheartedly love, and who'd, my god, actually love me back?

So, it was a pretty decent day.