Life = an oddity

Hi again. It's really been a while.

I don't know what exactly to tell. I've been reading my older posts and I come off as really arrogant or snobby or pseudo-intellectual in many of them... I really apologize if that's the impression you've gotten of me, haha. I don't really consider myself as very arrogant but I can definitely see why you could think that. I'll try not to sound so goddamn annoying in the future, if I manage to avoid those kinds of impressions.

(For the record, I deleted many of those afterwards, so perhaps the ones that are left aren't that bad.)

I know some of my later posts were slightly gloomy - that's why I thought I'd let you know how I'm doing currently. I've never had any mental illnesses, but there are still times when I feel more down. That's human, and that's just how life is: it's never constant rain, never constant sunshine. Last year was definitely very thought-provoking. I've talked about it a little before, too, but I lost my dearest friend. Not as in she died or moved away or anything like that, but just mentally. I loved her very, very, very much, and it was the most physical pain I've ever felt to let go of her. Pain for so many months. Almost a year. And letting go of my hopes and dreams, of a future together, all those promises, all lies. It felt like I was being betrayed. Like I wasn't enough. Since those feelings of loneliness have been prevalent in my life ever since... forever, it was hard to go through that again. + school stress was a thing, I had my first finals. I got assaulted, had to go to the hospital, turned it into a police thing. I'm going to court at some point. My grandma seems to have lost her... will to live, to some extent. That is awful, and hard, and scary. I got a panic attack after I saw her for the first time in a while, she has lost that spark. That life. So these are the explanations I can give you as to why I felt pretty bad for a while last year.

But, I'm happy to say that I'm way better now. Like I said, I just went through a rough patch, but I was never ill. So I've been able to work things through. My grandma is.. I want her to want to keep on living, but I can't force her. I'll do my best, and hope for the best as well. When it comes to my former best friend, things are awkward and icy, but I've moved on. I have two close friends, finals went well, summer is coming.

Life is pretty much just life. The year is moving towards summer and it's really making me happy. Winter is really nice, I love the comfy, snuggly feeling of coffee shops and movie-nights with blankets when it's freezing outside, but the darkness is sometimes a little depressing. It's pretty much dark in here for 6 months. Also, it gets icy and slippery outside, so I enjoy to being able to cycle and walk comfortably and safely. But I'm actually glad we've had a good, snowy winter this year. The winters have been really wet and bland for the last couple of years, which has been kinda off-putting when remembering the cold and snowy winters of my childhood.

I haven't been doing much. It's a little lame, to be honest. To my defense though, finals were here! This was my first time ever having to deal with finals, so I was definitely feeling stressed-out and inexperienced in this department. I've pretty much just been studying (or procrastinating a little too much) for a long while. But, my finals for this spring went well, so it was definitely worth all that fussing over. Normal exams feel really unimportant, having dealt with those guys. 

So, I feel like I really have close to no friends, lol. Of course I have people who like my newest Instagram picture and whose pictures I will like as well, and people who I can talk to at school, people I hang out with in a group, people I chat up while drunk, but real friends feel kinda few and far between. A wise girl once said me, you'll see who your real friends are during the holidays, because then you'll have to hang out voluntarily if you want to see each other. You won't just bump into one another at school. Yeah, I think she's right to an extent. Currently we don't really go to school and eat at the cafeteria together, because only a few people go to school anymore. Many of my friends will graduate now. But we don't talk much outside of school either, neither do we hang out in our free time. And I'm pretty sure everyone would have had time to see each other at least once in a while even if we were preparing for finals. So, in conclusion, we don't really feel like we have to see each other. That can only mean two things: 1) we are so close we don't have to see or talk to each other even for over four months, or 2) we don't really care about one another that much after all. I'm betting my money on the latter.

As disappointing it is, I feel like friendships are really often pretty shallow. Sometimes they become something super huge and deep and amazing and great and you really feel like you've connected with someone, but oftentimes it's just very casual and might even shatter in a month or two. And even if they are so lovely, deep, so goddamn promising, so great and larger-than-life, they can break and at the same time, break your heart. (PTSD triggered. I'm getting war flashbacks of last year.) Luckily, I have two really close friends who are pretty amazing and whom I love very much. They stop me from feeling really distant from the world. And even if I don't have that many close friends, at least I still have those Ig pals. They're something, right? I've talked about this before, how tough it is to form close friendships. But I never would have guessed even those more shallow friendships, and our entire friend group for that matter, would start falling apart so quickly, each person heading to their own direction.

Time has flown.

I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life - I go to school, I study and do my homework diligently, I hang out with those two lovely friends at cafés and whatnot, I paint and play the piano for multiple hours a day, I read, I go jogging, I eat. Sometimes I go out partying or drinking, sometimes we have big get-togethers, sometimes I hike with my family. What am I aiming for? I know what I want to study, but... Everyone seems to be progressing, my friends will graduate, I will be left behind at school. This is potentially my last summer with my friends - next year I might not have any left here at all. How lonely will I be then? Like I said in the beginning of this text, I'm feeling pleasant. Content in a way. It's a lovely sensation, this casual happiness I've felt for the most part of my life. But, since last year was definitely a learning experience and left me with a couple of new scars, I'm feeling a little nervous as well. I have two real friends and a plethora of nice people. Most of them will be gone. What will I do then? I don't want to be pre-nervous, but. It's gonna be weird. I'll probably be working a lot to gather money, to keep myself preoccupied, and study a whole lot. I'll be very alone, more alone than ever before, since every single friend of mine will be away. (I don't have younger friends. Everyone is either my age or 1-10 years older than me.)

I'll become an adult, too. I'll move out, this may possibly be my last year with my family. That's scary too, even though I know living alone will most likely be something I'll like a lot. At the same time, I'm clinging to the last bits of childhood, those last bits of being someone who can turn to her mother's side and ask for help, who can feel protected.

And I've learned that there are so many lies, so many words. I hate words, because I'll believe them when they come from my loved ones. Like I believed what my best friend said, everything from small things to moving together to going to travel to hanging out today to liking me to me being her most favourite person in the world. Lies. Please, talk to my with your actions. Words are so deceiving. But I'm picking up the pieces of myself, and even now, I can't lose hope. I haven't yet lost it. I still love the world so much. I still just want to live. I still find happiness in a flowerpot, in my keyboard, in the palm of my hand. I still love my two close friends and trust them completely, like I'm begging to be hurt yet again. But I'm not, and I can't lose this faith in people. I'd rather be hurt over and over again than lose my sense of hope and faith. Expect nothing, but not the worst, either...

I love this. This happiness, this mad life. Life is insane. Life is a rollercoaster ride, sometimes we have lows, sometimes highs. Oftentimes it's pretty stable. I hope it's stable now.

Absentmindedly I move forward, even though I feel like I'm going round and round in circles. No, life goes on and on, I go on and on, time flies and people grow and I'm growing too, like the plants in my room. I'm going through youth, and it isn't easy. This is the time I'm supposed to become an individual, a true individual capable of being completely by myself. Everyone moves to another town or even country soon, chooses their own path. So do I. So many possibilities, so many goodbyes.

I hope I can find my new place when I leave. I hope I can create my home. Luckily, I'm pretty good in that.

I also hope I can find a back I can hug. Backs are so huggable.

Yes, a back to hug. That's what I want. A back to hug, eyes to look into, a smile to trace, a hand to hold. Yikes! The hopeless romantic is striking again! Keep it contained, or else this'll turn into yet another cutesy love post... I know you're wanting someone to hug and love and kiss and... But he'll show up when he shows up. I can easily find people from bars and clubs, but... I don't want to. Kissing strangers is usually boring. Maybe, maybe when I move out to study, I'll find someone.

But currently, I'll keep studying, working, living! Feeling quite content, quite pleasant! If this is calm before a storm, I want to enjoy the calm first. I want to hang out with my friends as much as I can, before everyone leaves.