Stop waiting

Why don't I ask myself,

what did I do today to make myself happy?

It has been a day. Nothing more than a casual, normal, slow-tempo day. An ordinary day with its ordinary disappointments and surprises - nothing bigger than that, nothing smaller than that. So it's a perfect day to ask yourself, was it satisfying? Have you actively reached out to make yourself the best version of you, is it a day you can look back to with contentment?

If that's what I thought every single day, I'm sure happiness would come my way. (It's not that I'm not happy normally, I'm just quite stressed currently.) I'm sure I'd grow attached to satisfaction and daily activities and shenanigans - I'm sure I wouldn't feel so rusty. If every day of my little life I told myself, "go out (or stay in, for that matter) and make yourself happy!", "fight for that fucking happiness!" I'd feel... more like a living, breathing being, someone who's making progress and marching forward instead of drifting wherever the hell life seems to take me. I wouldn't be happy every day, that's impossible. But I'd move towards it.

I should ask myself before everything I do, before passively browsing Instagram's discovery page or watching only vaguely entertaining Youtube videos due to my lazy habits, am I proud of this? Does it make me feel better? At the end of the day, will I be satisfied, having done this? Will this make me happy? If not now, than how about in the long run?

I'm... disappointed. In people. Disappointed in being left so alone. So instead of relying on them, I should actively pursue happiness on my own! I should do things I like myself, by myself. I may or may not remain lonely but I'm sure that'll disappear at some point. Before that, I shall go out and make my life the best possible version including the loneliness I've got, as I have no idea how to get rid of it myself. That's alright, though; now I'll just have to make do and be as happy as humanly possible even with it. That being said, I want to pursue things that make me proud of myself: I don't have to explain them to anyone, I don't have to boast about them - all I want to do is to create my own happiness by doing things that add to that, I don't have to include anyone else in the process! I don't even have to show or tell anyone what I've done, is it art, music, exercising or volunteer work, for example. The only reason I want to do those things is for my own happiness, not for anyone else. That's what I want to do, every single day of my life.

It doesn't have to be major. To be honest, it's those minor things in your everyday life that add to your happiness levels in the long run, not the great and groundbreaking once-in-a-lifetime things that might leave you feeling ecstatic, but only for it all to come crashing down after just a couple of days.

No, it's the small things; playing the piano when you feel like practicing a new song, drawing a sketch you can be sort-of satisfied in, throwing your feelings into your diary, perhaps talking to a stranger or enjoying some orange juice in a nice, quiet cafe. Starting to learn a new skill, going for a walk, studying a little. It's the smallest things. Watching some silly anime to quiet your raging thoughts, crying when you feel like doing so, picking yourself up and painting your nails afterwards.

I'm tired of others, of expectations too high, of wanting to feel wanted. I don't feel too necessary to anyone except for my family, which is exactly why I need to feel necessary to myself. I want to be proud of my life. I want to be proud of myself. Screw the fuckers that make me feel like a trash can, you can think whatever the hell you'd like, Imma love myself. Imma be happy. It might not even be true that others treat me somehow wrong - maybe I'm just too fucking sensitive. But who even cares if it's correct or not: what's true is that I often feel hurt because of other humans. Which is why I need to actively chase happiness on my fricking own instead of waiting for others to catch up or wanting them to hand it to me. I'm responsible for my own life!

After losing a dear friend, I've been feeling down. Not depressed, but a little bit low, especially since I've got my first finals and a very important exam left me stressed, and since I have a law-suit thingy going on as well, since I got assaulted and it's the first time I've really faced violence, and one of my relatives is terribly sick. All these things have left me tired and skeptical of others, so this happiness needs to be based on me alone! I can't trust my closest friends to stay. I just can't. The only time I've really loved someone (other than family) has left me so sad and so, so, so tired.

So, what have I done today to add to my happiness?

I've cleaned the house. Tidy surroundings definitely make me feel calmer and like a decent human being. I've seen a friend. Sometimes seeing a friend is great as it makes you feel like you're trying to hold on to your relationships and keep them alive. Sometimes it's no more than that but even that is a positive thing: keeping relationships going, staying connected is important even if you didn't have the time of your life. I've hung out with my family. I love them. Hanging out with them makes me happy. I've voted. Yay for democracy! Now I'm going to play the piano (I love getting better in it. I never play for anyone as I'm kind of too shy to do so but I know I'm making progress, that's all I need!) and watch some anime. I mean, it's not larger than life but it helps me relax and feel good. God knows I need some good relaxation with all this school stress residing in my body.

I will also eat a couple of sweet potato fries. They're tasty.

Every day, what will I do today to add to my happiness?

Every. fucking. day.